A Walk In the Clouds

My journey with death

From Carolyn Jean Maynard
with the help of her Mom, Sharon Riegie

 
This book is dedicated to my family: 
Elizabeth, Teresa, Noel, Jennifer,
Michelle, Aondrea, Diana, 
Donald, David, Sara, Alex and Alyssa, 
and Mom 
They loved me enough to hold my feet, 
heal my wounds 
and 
let me fly free!

Published by Lemon Tree Press
Everett, Washington
1998


Forward....

September 15, 1995 was a beautiful, warm fall day in Seattle, Washington. Little did I know when I woke up that morning what lie ahead. Events unfolded in a city thousands of miles away from me that would change my life forever.

My daughter, Carolyn, left her apartment in Odgen, Utah about 1:45 in the afternoon to get to her job. Ten minutes later, every thing that could go wrong did and her car was hit by a semi-truck.

Our struggles to walk with her through the life and death crisises are for another book. This one is hers. It was dictated by her after her death on July 20, 1997.

In a letter I sent to family and friends after her death, I wrote,

“ Carolyn’s life was rich and her days since the accident held many blessings of love, trust and support. She touched hearts wherever she was taken, most deeply touched were every member of her family.

“There were never any doubt but that Carolyn was in charge and we were walking with her. We learned that love does not dictate another’s path. Love commits to love and holds hands as the adventure unfolds. Many have said that her family was incredible in their care for her. The question in my mind is, ‘Did we carry her or did she carry  us’. Looking back I’d have to say that we carried her, but she lifted us.

“Someday soon you will be able to pick up a book about Carolyn and the adventure we walked with her. It will begin,

“I want to tell you a story about my daughter, my blond, wise, playful, stubborn Carolyn who died before she could reach her 23rd birthday. She walked with angels, she struggled with incredible pain and she has a story to tell...”

This day, her 23rd birthday, she begins to tell that story.

Much love,

Sharon Riegie, Mom


January 16, 1998

 

These journals entries record my time with Carolyn and the information she would like shared with me, family, friends and others.

 

July 24, 1997

Every morning since I arrived at the L.D.S hospital in Salt Lake City, UT on September 15, 1995 after Carolyn’s accident or whenever I came on my shift to work with her, I have leaned over Carolyn to say “good morning” or “hello, Sunshine”. Greeting you often is something that I want to continue.

I plan to pause in my life to celebrate, to remember, to integrate this tremendous experience and to see the gifts in it.

Editing note: In this journal my words will be in italics and the response I ‘heard’ from Carolyn in regular script.

Good morning, Carolyn!

Welcome to my field of pansies and my rainbow. (Donna, a friend of mine who has inner sight, had taken the time to see how Carolyn was doing. She saw her in a field of purple pansies with her blond hair blowing and a beautiful rainbow stretching over the area. Purple pansies validated some of my information about Carolyn and has become my symbol for her.)  My room in your pyramid is pretty much finished. What about your move? (I was in the middle of looking for a new home for Carolyn, David, my son and I when Carolyn decided to leave this world. She had told me that she was not going to move with me and the week-end the move was planned, July 20th, was the week-end that she made her passing. Our move had been delayed by one week.)

I beat you in my move!

Thank you for all you did for me, even the swift “kicks” that made me get my act together.

I never did like to move far from home.

( This feels not so much like mother-daughter or grandmother-granddaughter.)

<smile> Right, it’s more like friend to friend.

Well that is what we are, dear friends whose friendship is ages old. And we still have a lot to do together. Before I come back into body, there is much help I can give from here. (I have an acceptance that we live beyond this lifetime and can reincarnate. I didn’t know Carolyn’s belief. She had indicated just weeks before she left that coming back into another body might be a better option than remaining.)

Does it matter how the accident was “supposed” to be. Is there really “supposed to”? No. There is only choice in each moment. And with enough clarity, the course of an individual, the course of a nation or the course of a planet can be altered in an instant. You saw the truth of that with our walk.

I was so tired of not being able to talk and communicate. Lack of mobility was one thing and hard for me, but not being able to talk was unbearable-isn’t that funny coming from me?

During the time that I was in a coma, struggling to survive and then during the restoration times I made so many adjustments to my inner patterns through which my soul expression happened. I’m really excited at the changes and my next life and physical experience will reflect those changes.

Carolyn, remember to continue to activate the healing prayer, TAG and Transform as you make your next plans. That will give permission for ongoing healing and change

Ever the worry wart! A mother always wants her children to be free from pain or trouble. You know, I want that for everyone that I love too!

What do you think about a moment of silence in honor of the physical body and the way it served you so well? (This is the day that Carolyn’s body suit is to be cremated.)

I think that is very appropriate and something I would like to formally do that.

 Focusing to Spirit….All mighty indwelling God as Carolyn’s body and the particles who answered the call with so much integrity, power and love. We salute your divinity and release you to fire to cleanse and be free. We bless and honor all the items and elements which were sent with you. We activate their vibrations and ask that they mingle at their highest and best frequencies.

May these frequencies surround each family member to prepare their way, may it surround the earth to bless and heal. We send this vibration to Sean and Randy and Pam to release their density and heal.

We will accept it back to us in our different vibrational homes-purified, blessed and expanded.

Are you alone?

Well, right now I am except for you. But, that’s because I choose to be. Actually, I have been surrounded with friends and family. I have the support and understanding I had looked for from my friends during my earth life and never found in this way. I now understand why, I was looking for the compassion that this world of Spirit offers. I feel only love, empathy and blessings for the friends that I left behind.

I have to go now and I know you have a lot to take care of also.

Give everyone my love and my promise to look out for them everyday as they did for me!

(I see Carolyn as she moves toward the rainbow.  She goes into the Crystal Pyramid that I often use in my journeys. I am reluctant to see her go. My sense is that she is going to class.)


July 29, 1997                                     Left to go to Utah to teach classes

(I sense a solemn state, a brown color, not sad)

I am thinking. I am sorting with the purpose of integrating this experience. Our sorting helps each other. My sorting helps you and your sorting will help me. It is the same for all of my family.

Mom, I understand your tiredness. I am also needing a lot of rest. There is much to do but there will be time for that. For now, let’s just sleep.

Your house or mine?

Why, mine, of course, you can get more acquainted with my room and your pyramid temple.

(More energy and excitement from Carolyn.)

July 30 pm                 Salt Lake City, Utah

(I received a call from Carol King, my real estate agent. We will close on the house I have chosen in Everett when I get back from Utah.)

Did you ever doubt?

Carolyn, you left me in good situation. What a difference healing awareness makes!

Yes, you are right and you are also in a different mind set. The windows of heaven can open more easily and generously for you now. I personally will oversee it. Prepare to be pampered! Oh yes, and worked!

July 31, 1997

Good morning, Carolyn.

Let’s turn over and go back to sleep for a time.

Okay by me!

August 1, 1997  3:30 am

White rabbits, Mom!

(A ritual started by Dave Sekac, a blessing for the month from his English mother.)

I’ve been sitting in on the meetings on this side about the next steps and they are pretty exciting. Can’t tell you more- “secrets”. I love you!  And I’m okay. Tell the family “Hi” for me, see them all soon.

August 2, 1997 am

Good morning.

(My mind shifts and I  review events of the last few days.)

Now what have you been up to?

A lot! Review of what my life had been about and what I accomplished. You were so accurate in what you saw on our way to Lava Hot Springs.

(One day in 1992, we had taken a trip to Lava Hot Springs in Idaho. On the drive, Carolyn was upset and I had been shown what her life would have been had we not begun healing the inner storage of negativity she had brought with her at birth.)

I had a lot of anger at men, issues that would have sent my life in a direction to experience that anger and to inflict pain as I externalized it.

Dave (her step father) felt a lot of it just because of his male gender. He has a great soft heart and I send him much love and blessings.

I am in a pondering space/mood right now. Just lying here in the pansies. Thinking, crying, laughing and remembering. Your learning as you strove to help others brought me blessings. You were able to help me release and heal. I am so grateful for that.

I miss you and your touch. I could have soaked up more before the accident. I am getting ready to do my next life experience with greater awareness, love and joy. I have been looking in on my siblings during the nights. I am a bit worried. Could you check in with them and see what you think this morning.

Love and hugs!

August 3, 1997 pm

            Again. I am exhausted. Maybe I should just stay in bed for three days? What do you think? (The intensity of the work required to support a loved one as they move from health to coma to healing cannot be imagined. It takes a toll as it offers opportunities.

            I think that you would do well to take it easy. Go to sleep. I love you!

            I feel the same for you. I miss you!

August 8, 1997

Good morning, Carolyn!

Hi Mom! We are quite busy here as you have found when checking in. A lot to be involved with. I am so happy that Teresa found my high school writing journal. I would like my memories and presence to interject lightness into the family. I look in on all of you often, a peek here and there. Everyone is doing really quite well-even if they believe they’re not. Diana (her sister) needs you right now, your love, your presence, your guidance. There are adjustments being presented to her that will be best made with your help. Don’t worry. She will make them and her life will open.

Any readjustments for your siblings?

Yes. The addition of more humor/lightness. For you too, mom!

There really is a lot to do.

Oh, yes. You have no idea. <laugh>

How was the dying experience for you?

I truly left the Monday when my body stopped keeping food. During the week-end before I started what looked like the dying process, I had been so miserable, so much anger and resentment was filing me up.

The fall out of bed was like a trauma release session! It really dissipated a lot of that anger energy.

There were unseen beings who had been with me for lifetimes, the “bitches” bitchy witches. That day you had been pushed long enough, you saw them and did the work to release them. With that release, I felt complete.

Spiritually and physically, you and the family had stood guard around my body since the accident. Therefore, after that weekend I had no fear in simply leaving it in your care. During the next three weeks, your love and the family’s love drew me back occasionally and eventually, there was no need or desire to come back into this body. I moved the cord energy out. On the 20th, I waited until you were back from the grocery store so Michelle would not find me and be alone and so that you would not regret going to the store and have old guilty reactions. Then I simply finished removing the energy cord from the physical. Actually, I felt about what you were feeling-relief of the situation and sorrow at leaving.

There were many friends and family with me on this “side” but I had them remain in the outer regions of my room . I wanted to be with you “all” and sorrow together.

Carolyn, I can’t stand that you will not be a part of our family reunions, family visits, growing.

I will be. Just a smaller body. One that can dance and love and grow.

Note: This is a reference to her plan to come back into the family through birth.

I know that, but I still want you here-what I would give to have you plop down in my lap!

(I find a very small tissue to wipe my eyes and blow my nose. Carolyn sees humor in using this smallest of tissues.)

Mom, pretend I’ve gone to France. You would be excited for me, worried about my safety and waiting for me to come home. That’s what this time is like.

I know, but I miss you anyway!

Me, too, but we are both going to be very busy for a time. Let’s really kick butt for awhile. Okay!

Yes, okay.

Going up north is a good idea today. I may trip along, at least for a time.

Note: I had planned a day trip to the Bellingham area of Washington. She had visited there and loved one certain beach.

I’d love that!

August 15, 1997

 

Happy birthday, mom. I’m the first to call you today! I just wanted to say Happy B-day, I love you and I’m doing better now.

I still really miss you a lot!

I know and I really miss you and the family. I do not miss the struggle and pain however. You and Diana are doing great on the house. There are more surprises ahead and so don’t get discouraged!

What kinds of things are you doing there?

Well, this is just like traveling to another country...one which is a lot more advanced with many, many options of what to experience and understand. It is all about joy, but not just personal joy and fulfillment. We (listen to me talk as if I was  “native” when I am really a novice) see ourselves within a larger group and our day within a larger time perspective.

Do you have a few minutes to talk?

With pleasure.

There are some questions. What about life, crossroads, health, our place to be.

<laughter.>

So many of us have not quite gotten it yet, but we all will soon. We believe that life is a contest to be won rather than a picture to be painted, experienced with joy. We intend to live a long life. We just need to stop trying to create battles and scenarios in which we are the commander leading the troops to victory. “Stop the battle”, would be my words. Put down the weapons, words, concepts and lie in the grass, sing the songs and close your eyes. Look “death” in the face, laugh and sit down to watch a funny movie.

August 16, 1997

Carolyn, I do not want to forget the message in the paint and kitchen cabinets. I was pretty dense last night...looking for rain and not looking for the dew!

NoteL My daughters and I were renovating the house I had purchased in Everett. I had removed all of the doors from the  kitchen cabinets, washed them well and began painting them. It was a beautiful summer day and so I had painted them outside. They lay all over the deck and lawn. Toward dusk, I had heard my inner voice tell me to bring them inside. Well, the inside was being dismantled and it seemed like a big job for nothing. There were no sign of rain clouds.

I left them outside.

In the morning, the dew was so heavy because of our position close to the water, that the paint had to be sprayed off and redone.)

Yes, mom. It became quite laughable. You really do hear extremely well, stop thinking the thoughts are just your mind. It really will be important for you to hear, stop, ask and then act in faith. Having me here will be an incentive that will be meaningful for you.

You saw the pictures?

(A woman who had brought her dog into the care center and Carolyn loved the times with Elliot, the dog. She had send pictures.)
Yes, Elliot did make my heart happy. That time period was really a time of contentment even though I was technically in a vegetative state.

I often wonder if we would have done better to keep you home at Christmas and not gone back to the care center.

You were not yet prepared. Being taken to Evergreen Hospital, seeing Dr. Riedo, opened other and better doors for support. The end would have been the same. So, no that would not have been better.

You are “awfullying”. That is not coming from me or anyone here. I do not regret a moment of your care or the care of my family.

August 26, 1997

(I sense myself in Carolyn’s room. There is a small bird feather and a most incredible blue glass sphere. She has a loose French braid down her back.)

What have you been doing there?

A lot of exploring, meeting people, being reminded about options here. I still need to rest a fair amount. I am strengthening what had been injured in my spiritual, mental, emotional bodies. There are some great healers here.

 

September 3, 1997

Note: (Just arrived in Leavenworth, Washington. We have done three weeks of intense rejuvenating of the house in Everett. Now, Michelle, Aondrea, Merry, Colleen and I are here. Quiet time.)

These questions I ask of my team of spiritual guides:

Is my Everett home intended for college students?

No.

Single parents?

No.

(Teaching and retreat center?)

Yes.

Will it be financially successful?

In spades.

Shall I call it Carolyn’s Place?

Yes.

Mom, listen to them about the house. I heard your pain last week and also long for your touch and laugh, off key singing. Here are some wonderful surprises in store. Trust me...woo...woo!

September 15, 1997

Panorama Point Campground

(It’s early and I can’t sleep. I think of Carolyn and I cry for her presence. I’m scared for the vulnerability of life, the fragileness of our human existence. I can’t think of the years ahead without her in my life. Oh, Carolyn, could we have done it any differently? Could I have been more aware? Could I have helped prevent this catastrophic event? I’m not really asking. I’m wishing it were so.)

From my guides:

My dear one. There was nothing that could have been done to prevent Carolyn’s accident from happening two years ago. The experience she needed was intricately a part of all that she went through. This life was a completion and preparation: completion of many old patterns and residue of emotions and preparation for what her role is to be in the future. I know that your mother’s heart does not want to hear that, does not want it to have been true, does not want the loss of any one of her children. But, your heart also wants what will bring your children their greatest joy and happiness.

And so how do I go about looking at the experiences of the past two years, finding the “wheat’, blowing away the “chaff”, integrating into my life the valuable and being changed into a more noble human being?

By taking the time to delve as deeply into your heart and mind and soul as each day allows. It will appear as you do this over time!

Sananda, Jesus

Carolyn, is there anything you want to say at this time?

Oh, yes. I am saddened by your pain, but want you to know how proud I am at the beautiful home you have prepared to share, all the love and efforts of family, especially my sisters in helping this home happen.

I am very happy with my home here and am integrating and evaluating as are you. Do not feel the need to rush into another major project. Treat yourself gently, there is support for you. You really listen well and so don’t ignore the messages.

I love you, sleep well,

Your Carolyn

September 15, 1997          10:15 pm

Note: (This evening, without planning, I symbolically retraced the trip to Utah I made two years ago on September 15, 1995.

At 5:15 pm I was driving south about the same time Teresa, Noel, Alex and I were driving south to the airport when we flew into Utah in 1995. At 6:45 pm, I arrived at a church where an evenings meeting was suppose to be and waited until 7:30 pm. In 1995 we landed in Portland at about those times. It was in Portland that I called the McKay-Dee hospital in Utah, gave permission for a shunt to monitor her brain swelling, was told Carolyn’s condition was not good. After a one hour layover in Portland we arrived in Salt Lake City, Utah at 10:15 pm. Dave met us at the airport and drove us to McKay-Dee in Ogden. I wonder if my heart will ever not sob at the memory and at her loss.)

Carolyn, does my sorrow slow your healing and progress?

Yes and no. Yes if I hold onto it in an unhealthy way, feel guilty, try to fix, etc. But, I am warmed by the reality that you love me enough to miss me, to think about me and I know you wish me progression and happiness. So, no, it doesn’t slow me, it assures and encourages me.

Love and hugs.

C-

September 26, 1997

I love you and I am preparing for the next phase.

October 6, 1997

Carolyn, you know how this day has given me space and the pain of the last two years has begun to bubble to the surface.

Yes, I know. I come and will come during these writing times with my own agenda. You do not have to worry about planning. Just stay loose, open and write.

Okay.

Okay, now we can begin. I will go a little slowly in order that you will be able to write well.

First, I was given the name Carolyn Jean Maynard for my last incarnation. I lived just short of 23 years and left my physical body on July 20th, 1997. at 6:28 pm from Seattle/ Kenmore, Washington. I had spent my last 22 months trapped in a body that would not respond to my conscious commands but which responded with utmost integrity to my soul’s degree. It was a very difficult time for me for many reasons.

I could not communicate adequately, almost not at all.

I watched my family, especially my mother, suffer under the burden of my care.

I lost my life, my friends, my dreams as I had known them.

I suffered pain I had not known existed.

I was brought face to face with the deepest and ugliest parts of myself.

At the same time, there were the most glorious, blessed miracles that I would not have missed for anything.

The look on my mom’s face when she came everyday into my room. Her smile and love.

The tenderness of the many caregivers, nurses, physical therapists, respiratory therapists. Their hearts were pulling for me.

The opportunity to let go and trust the care; the changing; the turning; the feeding; the touching.

The opportunity to see the love with which my darkest, scariest side was treated and healed.

The music, the words, the smells, that my family brought to me.

And constantly, through it all, the beings of light; angels-family, friends, teachers, masters who were with me every step and every moment

The opportunity to straddle both worlds for 22 months. To be able to speak of it through my mom...that is the crowning blessing!

October 10, 1997

While I was in my physical body, I was skeptical and judging of the spiritual stuff that my mom did and that would sometimes pop into my mind. I wanted everything to be “normal”, easy and I had an idea as to what that would be. I was often angry at my mom and yet loved her at the same time. My perceptions had been formed before I came into this incarnation and determined the way I interpreted, labeled and judged situations. There was nothing that those around me could have done which would have caused me to see and interpret differently. The change had to come from inside me.

This life was about major changes within myself. I knew that it would take a great “hitting the wall” experience to break me loose of tightly held beliefs. Hence, the accident and time immobilized to do the deep soul searching and spiritual attunement.

A dream I had in the spring of 1997 showed us planning this accident aftermath. Carolyn trying on the hospital “equipment” notably the “hat with the shunt tube” and agreeing that we could do this. Then the dream took me to the actual experience and we both wondered if we could handle much more.

Yes, you are exactly right. We planned for this event because of the spiritual/soul adjustments that especially I needed. Planning was a lot more exciting than walking through it!

Agreed!

Each person who was in any way aware of this event, from the truck driver, the witnesses, the medical emergency unit, the ER personnel, the IC unit, my boyfriend, his family, my family, friends, Matrixx (where she worked), etc. were all given gifts. Whether they received all that was offered is irrelevant-they received the opportunity and that was all I could do.

It is like during my growing up. Sometimes I was angry at you. You offered many gifts and opportunities as did I. We received all that we were able and many were missed because of some inner blocks. But, opportunities come around again and again.

I want to go to the accident as I experienced it.

I was traveling to work on September 15, 1995. I was worried and preoccupied with some decisions I knew needed to be made. The most difficult was my decision about relationships...I knew I needed to move out and yet I was not wanting to. It is a decision most women struggle with in some way. I had modified my self and numbed feelings in order to continue, but I was becoming so miserable that I knew I had to speak up. Mom, you had noticed this or some change and yet I had to go at my own pace. Actually, the issues I held were much deeper than those brought up by my boyfriend.

Anyway, I was driving along when I noticed the car in front of me was quite slow. I pulled the wheel to go into the right lane and pass. Something went wrong and the car went out of control and went off the shoulder of the road.

I was immediately focused and afraid. I pulled the steering wheel to get back onto the road and the car careened sideways across the highway. I don’t remember the semi hitting my car or the rest of the accident. At the point when I pulled the steering wheel to get back onto the road, I was out of my body. The next memory is of being an observer at the car wreckage. At that moment, I was aware that I would be considered “dead”. I looked around. There were spiritual beings who held me, some who worked to keep my body functioning. At that time, I was assured that I would be coming back to the body,  that I was not to “die”. I felt no pain, but great love and support from those in spirit. I stayed with my body through the ride to the hospital and the ER experience.

As it was moved to the IC unit, I was taken to the most beautiful home by my spiritual friends.  I had felt no pain and all my questions of concern had been answered. My boyfriend was at the hospital, the calls had been made to you and Teresa in Seattle. I spoke to you, “Mom, I’m coming back. Don’t let go of my body.”

At that time, I did not know what the bigger picture was. Actually, I only knew step by step what needed to be done.

When I was taken to this beautiful home in that spiritual world, I was met by your father and mother. Of course, I recognized them. Their home became the “command post” in this spiritual world as the hospital was the “command post” in the physical world.

It was at that time that I was told the plans I had laid, some of the issues I had hoped to address, the possible experiences that I would go through. It was very much like going over the plans as you saw in your dream.

I still had felt no physical pain. I only touched into the body occasionally for the first month. There were many friends in the spiritual world who helped to energize the physical body during the entire experience. The pain of the accident and the recovery was felt by hundreds of others as they “stood in” for me.

Note: (This is a concept that I have seen a lot in my professional work. One soul will step into another’s physical body for some specific purpose. In Carolyn’s case, it was to keep the body energized while she prepared for stepping back into the body.) 

It gave some of those individuals the physical experience they needed to heal some specific issue without having to live it out in another lifetime. It gave others enough of a physical anchor to allow them to resolve and to eliminate the energy of accident, abuse, anything that inflicted pain still held in physical energy fields. And so you see, as you and my family ministered to me, they were actually ministering, blessing and healing hundreds! Do you see why and how we want to assist all of you in opening doors to bless your lives?

I hadn’t thought of that.

I really appreciated your knowledge and skills. The boundaries which you placed around my body were incredibly freeing.

Note: (“Only beings of integrity to light, filled with love, for my highest good and no walk-in energy allowed who simply wanted to be taken care of,” had been our prayer and command for Carolyn’s space.)

That you recognize that the world of spiritual individuals exists and is peopled by a wide variety of personalities was half the battle. You kept the energy field clear and focused which freed me to do what I needed to do without constant protection of my body and space. Also, that you and my family were so honoring of my choice rather than your own agendas was so appreciated. I didn’t have to disengage you in order to rethink, evaluate or implement.

            That’s all for today. I love you!

C-

October 12, 1997

As you know, the walk was not an easy one. While thinking and planning such an endeavor it is common to believe “this will be a piece of cake.” It is only when the situation becomes physical and the emotions, the pain, the abundance of fear comes and hits you in the face...as it will.

In order for the soul level adjustments to be made, I had to feel the consequences of this experience. Otherwise, another situation would have served me better. Here it is important for you and all to know a little about life purpose and pain.

The purpose of being on this planet is to know the experience of creating from light. Ideally, one has an idea and the idea becomes real. Unfortunately, we have churned out garbage and more garbage-lifetime after lifetime. Yes, I do believe in the concept of reincarnation for I have been shown the progression of my own garbage creations including fear, doubt, anger, judgments, stuffing. I was real big on stuffing and being the silent martyr. Well, you get the picture.

It is my responsibility to clean up the garbage I had left behind. Whole, clear love is what is at the core of our being as truth, but the cloaks and masks get in the way and clarity does not show through constantly. Transforming, releasing the masks and cloaks is priority. This must occur in order for an individual to shine the light energy and create it into the physical form of light/love rather than light/garbage.

As I made plans for this incarnation as Carolyn Jean Maynard, I decided to go for the “whole enchilada”. Meaning that I wanted to eliminate all baggage. You see, the next phase for this planet is glorious and I wanted to be a part of that glorious experience with as much clarity as possible. The accident was my best option.

Had you, as a family, pulled the plug on life support and let my physical body to die my plans to transform deeply would have been impossible. I needed to have the physical body, the pain, the crisis, the complimentary healing work, the depth of purging and recommitting that the year and ten months after the accident gave me. I needed to see your commitment even in the face of personal difficulty, fear, pain and discouragement. I needed the callousness of some medical staff, the look of panic in the eyes of the truck driver, my vulnerability at being totally exposed, out of the seat of control. I needed all of it in order to purge and transform.

Quality of life be damned!

Note: (There was much talk in the media about the quality of life for someone so injured or for their family. It’s better to pull the plug.)

The quality of my life has been permanently altered for the better because I was allowed to live in a very injured body until I was complete. And, the quality of life for everyone touched by this situation was given the opportunity to be enhanced and their humanness made noble.

Love, C-

October 14, 1997

Well, finally!

I have been following you around for the past twenty-four hours wondering when you were going to STOP! <laugh>

Note: I sense her toss of her head, smile as she plops into a chair.

So here we are...deep in a discussion of momentous spiritual insights and you have to change the bathroom sponges so that the colors match...what is that all about? Just asking...And the light fixture? Cleaning a light fixture when you could be listening to me? <laughter and the gleam in her eye.> You felt me around you didn’t you?

Yes!

Well, let’s get down to business. Where was I...

What I want to reiterate here is the necessity of the pain, the restrictions, the frustrations, all the components of the aftermath of the accident. If society wants to change the quality of life, meaning wants to live with inner peace, abundance, joy, play, fun, beauty-you get the picture-then each member must go through their own shadow creations, own them, experience them, dis-create the patterns which brought them into form, then transform the garbage energy back to light and hold to the truth.

The truth is that light will naturally reflect beauty, love, joy, peace, play...when “we” stay out of the way and keep “fear” and its many faces out of the way. That means that every individual may go through their own “accident aftermath”: with its pain, restrictions, frustration, crisis, panic, speechlessness, immobility. Walking the path may take months or years, but refusing to pull the plug at its beginning will only maintain the energy from our shadow creations.

I am free not because I left my body. I am free of my shadow creations because of the work that you, I, family and others did for me and themselves. Then, I left the body. Too many hit the walls which their shadows create and because of the pain, they find ways to leave their physical body. When they do that, they leave behind the many opportunities they are being given that would have allowed them to heal the shadows and freely walk the earth. Now, they have to come again into a physical body to hopefully heal the shadows in their next incarnation.

Now, back to me personally. My purpose was not to use my physical body to touch people. By that I mean, I was not comfortable with a lot of people visiting me.

A. that wasn’t my nature and

B. impacting people because of my words like on stage was not what I had planned.

There were several individuals with whom I spent time in my spiritual body and therefore they were touched by my experience. That connection was in place before my birth and was lifetimes old. Tell Janet (one of many of my clients Carolyn felt kinship with) that my prayers are always with them and when they feel  “touched by an angel”, it will be me....

 

October 17, 1997

Let me attempt to speak to the younger generation.

There is a lot of craziness that I saw around me. It seemed as if the adults were the ones totally out of touch. The way parents interacted with us and with each other, the hypocrisy, the lack of awareness and truth. Sometimes it was laughable except it was so painful.

I found myself doing things to get away from the pain. Much of what I did was to find ways to make myself feel better. When I was younger- 12 or so, I would sleep a lot, just curl up in my room alone and go to sleep.

Then my mother made me start talking about how I was feeling. That is when I began more and more to feel the pains. Before, I would say, “ I’m cool, no problems. I just happen to sleep a lot.”

Well, it doesn’t matter if you use pot or sex or school or work or running, the truth is, you are in pain! And the other truth is, so is everyone else including those “crazy” adults. What is sad is that the inner pain won’t go away until it is addressed. And we keep running from it.

A little child deals with the pain in childish ways and has few skills beyond what the parents and adults provide. A teen who still carries inner pain they had as a child will behave as a child when situations trigger that pain. And then add teen ways of coping. Skills are all around and a teen has more options for learning skills because they have more access to the world but, they are reluctant to reach out.

An adult who hasn’t addressed and healed inner pain, child pain and teen pain will act childish and immature when the pains come. But, although an adult has many more options to gain skills, they carry more pain energy which clouds mind, ears and eyes. In addition, the mechanisms they have created to deal with and cloak the pains creates a situation we call denial.

The behavior that teens call “crazy” is simply the expressions of adult’s immature way of dealing with the pain in life and life situations.

The greater truth is that adults are showing young people the results of seeds held from youth. The young are showing the older generations the seeds passed on from genetic patterning within the adults. If either age group is uncomfortable, there are correcting actions to be taken. The youth can do the work, sometimes intense, to remove the seeds from within themselves and the old can pull out the offensive patterning within themselves and retrieve the seed from within the young. To judge, blame, label, push away only prolongs and perpetuates the pain. Young people are looking for ways to address the pain.

October 17, 1997

Like I said, for the first month after the accident, I was rarely in my body. I found it mildly disconcerting to go back. I was excited for the journey, I anticipated the end result of wholeness and freedom. And of course had only a small idea of the days ahead.

I feel chilly is that because of your presence?
Yes, a bit. The frequency of this world and the day is a bit cool.

Tell me about the last three weeks before you passing.

As I said before, the weekend was awfully difficult. I had had it, you were alone and I didn’t like that I was a burden. You tried so hard and nothing was working. My bitchy side came up and you recognized and dealt with it. That healing session freed me at a soul level from the need to stay in this physical body and life. Like the last pattern to be corrected. That happened in the late afternoon on Sunday and by Monday morning I had surveyed the situation with myself and you. Everything was in place for your life to begin to rebuild and my decision was made.

The time of my leaving was very important to the overall picture of my life as Carolyn Jean. Those last three weeks were spent very much like the month following the accident. I was gone a lot, actually most of the time. Others in spirit shared the dying experience with me and all of you in order to heal themselves. Again, you and the family have generated a huge cheering section over here!

The earth star release which you did for me on the Thursday before my passing was incredibly freeing and comforting. It felt to me like all of you walked with me through the door we call death, holding my hands all the way. You did not push, pull, judge, question. You just held me and went with me. I was struggling and scared before you walked with me. Thank you for being so sensitive and aware and loving.

See you tomorrow!

C-

Note: (One afternoon, Carolyn’s breathing became quite labored. Myself and several of her sisters surrounded her bed to be with her. I felt impressed to begin releasing her energy centers/chakras. Beginning with the chakra below her feet, I would release the center, move it gently up to the next one, hold that space until I felt to release that one and move up again. I was told to stop at the Third Eye chakra.)

October 21, 1997

Well, tomorrow comes in strange shapes...

Had I done something differently, anything, more time, more knowledge, more attention, would you still be here?

 No, my sweet mother, I/we had it planned the way we did and it (the accident) would have happened.

Even with all the good which has come from it, I would like to have you here.

But you have me.

I didn’t hold you enough!

Let’s go back to the day of the accident. I had been drinking with my boyfriend on Thursday night and I woke up not feeling well. He slept in later and was asleep when I left. I was depressed because I knew my life needed to change.

The drive to work is one I knew by heart. I think I was driving on auto pilot-my mind free to buzz in “what should I do?” You know how easy it is to be on automatic when you are competent and driving is a simple skill-easy. I became super alert when the car slipped/skidded/over-corrected to the right of the highway. If there is a split second where the question  “Could I have done it differently?” is appropriate, it would be on that drive and in that one maneuver.

But, even that would happen again. Could we find a fault in the car? Yes. In my driving? Yes. In the intersection? Yes. But, the combination was there for a purpose. Even the drivers of the semi and witnesses had a role to play and a gift to receive. It could not have been avoided! On some level of awareness, I saw the semi-driver’s eyes. There was familiarity, anger, panic and pain. It all flashed through in an instant. He needs to know this entire story. In a bigger way than he knows, it is also for him.

Would I caution young people to drive more carefully? YES. Wear seatbelts? YES. But the real message I would give them is to take back responsibility for their lives! Their lives are out of control- or so they say. They act as if parents, teachers, society is screwing them up and then go out and drink heavily-smoke pot- drive crazily- shot each other- and call themselves victims. Their lives are not about getting even with adults! Not about being taken care of! Not about acting crazy to blame someone else!

Their life is about experiencing joy and play and abundance and contentment. To do this they have to disconnect from the craziness-their own and the adults and societies. Then they have to put together their own sense of themselves, know love and value who they are. Drop out of societies craziness. Turn on to their own gifts and character. Develop standards and moral guidelines that lead to joy, playfulness, abundance and contentment.

I came into this lifetime cocooned in anger and blame. My own identity was very well hidden. My gifts of interaction, psychic pictures were cloaked with the need to be socially acceptable. All of that I had created in other lifetimes.

Because of your healing work my cocoon was transmuted back to light, my anger was exposed and majorly healed. I could see society for what it has done-allowed a space in which we subdue the greatness in all of us.

By opening up to an intimate relationship, I had begun to spiral into another cocoon-one which I did not want again. I planned this “accident ‘ before my birth in order for a journey to blast out any inkling of energy patterns which would lessen my life experience. It was all about “soul” regeneration. That my physical body was regenerating is totally understandable. Since spirit/soul is the beginning place, physical must follow. “As a man thinketh, so is he!”

Why did I decide to leave my physical body, my family and this life as Carolyn Jean Maynard?

It was not because I was in major pain, not because I was frustrated or angry or discouraged. Those were reasons for the accident.

I left because I was finally out of pain. I was full of joy and peace and contentment. By the “I” I mean my soul self. In other words, I had completed my mission for this lifetime. My mission had been to heal myself at a soul level and that had been done.

The times in which the earth is now living are presenting incredible possibilities. For those who have or do their soul work of realigning to their soul’s I AM- dropping off mask, costumes, angers and fears, etc. these next years will be filled with miracles. “Ask and ye shall receive” will be instantaneous.

If you are still layered by the garbage of masks, fear, etc. the results will feel disastrous. Being on the planet will seem awful. I wanted to live in the beauty not in the disaster. The accident and your work were the best ways to do it. Now, I can come back into a physical body and create beauty on a planet which is vibrationally lighter than before and into a family who is watching for the gifts of light that each new member brings.

 Love,

C-

November 2,1997

Mom,

There is nothing we are going to write this morning. I would rather have you walk around the block with me. So get dressed and let’s go!

C-

November 8, 1997

I have missed you so much today. Going through the boxes of your things, music, stuffed animals, sometimes it is more than I can bear. It is beyond believing-that you are gone.

Believe it not for I am not gone far! Only a quiet moment away.

Note: I had found a video tape which we had made during an evaluation session for re-patterning done with brain injuried individuals. It had been shot in Carolyn’s room at the care center.

It was so good to have the small glimpses of you on the re-patterning tape with Betty. I wished we had more tapes and pictures. I didn’t think that being photographed in the condition after the accident was what you wanted. But seeing and hearing you was like a blessing to my heart and seeing the tenderness of your sisters with their touching and stroking was so wonderful. I was glad we had given you some degree of comfort and love.

A lot really.

It is so hard- a parent is supposed to let go, to push babies a bit. If I had it to do over again, I would have done some things the same and hopefully I would spend a whole lot more time snuggling and smooching. Can we touch-maybe a kiss on the check?

I’ll work on that.

We have a lot of work to do together. The only way we can get it done right now is for me to talk and for you to write.

My “accident” had a major purpose beyond my soul rejuvenation. It truly began a “cleaning of the house.” First, our genetic home/family and then our family home-Utah and then from there, the planet. It was to mark a beginning.

The role we are to play together is life changing-monumental. I had to be in spirit in order to do my part and you have to be in body in order to do your part.

Yes, the garbage needs to be cleared out, bills need to be kept up and commitments met, but be careful of the jobs you take on.

Pay attention to your body-exercise and activity.

C-

 

November 9, 1997

What is it that you would like to say to those who read your book?

Individual choice will prevail. Love honors an individual’s choice. Commitment to one’s choice/path includes self-responsibility...there is no one to blame.

You are writing about our coming home to Seattle.

Note: I am writing about the accident experience from my perspective as a mother and as a healer. I am at a point of her story when she was well enough to be driven from Utah to Seattle to be with me and her family. This is what Carolyn is referring to.

Seattle had not been my home and so for me it was finally leaving behind the life I had known and built. Although the accident changed all of that, there was still a sense of my life as I had known it.

I was excited to go to Seattle because there was the promise of continued recovery. You must remember that I was never totally stuck in the body because I could leave it and wander. I visited many friends, family and even caretakers, often in their dream state. They could see me. I was so glad that they recognized me and accepted the experience as somehow valid.

Being met by my family the night we arrived at your home in Kenmore was so wonderful. I felt their love and delight in having me there. With all the physical needs I had, they welcomed me with open arms and open hearts. As they so lovingly carried me up the stairs and placed me on the bed they had prepared, I wanted to cry out, my heart felt so full. But, there was no way I could express my thoughts or feelings. Their gentle touches, smiles and whispered greetings gave me comfort and courage. You were glad for the opportunity to get me into the tub of water-I was grateful for the submerging in the great emotional waters they provided.

The pain I experienced so many times drove me into my inner world. How many times did you say during those times, “Go into the light. That is where you will find the answers and help. Go into the light.”

So, soon after the accident I was quickly in a world of light and love. How long I was there at first I really do not know. For me, there was never the option of staying. I loved my life and family and friends too much. I really thought that I would make my “corrections’ and the body would straighten out very quickly. It was not that I was deceived, the job was immense. I thought it would be a piece of cake. Looking ahead it seemed like a manageable job, but when I was in it, it was at times unbearable.

Coming back into the body was a difficult experience because so much disruption and invasion had occurred from the impact of the accident and the medical needs. It was like coming back to your orderly apartment and having to walk around massive machinery, step over cords lying around, having your phone disconnected and the order transformed to chaos. Then, your “children” are running around traumatized over this disruption.

I want you to know that the most valuable things that were done for me were done by you and my family.

a. you and the family never left me alone, the vulnerability of my soul was unspeakable during those first few months.

b. you placed healthy energy vibration on my body as stones and herbal bags.

c. you and my family massaged my hands and feet which communicated calm and love to every part of my traumatized body.

d. Teresa and others sang to me songs of love and peace

e. all the tapes and phone calls were words of encouragement and hope.

Amid all the cords and machines and poking and prodding for medical needs, you created for me a vortex of light, demand, commitment, love and hope. You constantly said, “You can do anything you want” and “You are not alone.”   “Even if there is no where else on earth where choice rulers and light has power, it does here in this room for Carolyn!”

That is how life should be for everyone, everywhere, all of the time.

C-

November 10, 1997

Dearest Mom:

I would like to speak today of my travels in the world of light what some might call the realms of death.

The life force is contained in the energy we call soul and so the body is left without the spark to continue living when a soul leaves the physical body. Basic law of physics, energy is never destroyed. The body “dies” as a natural consequence of the energy removal. The systems of the body allow energy to flow smoothly-interconnected

or not. Damaged systems will cause energy to clog and distort, until the energy is removed. Life, however, continues.

Before the accident my physical body was strong, young and in excellent condition. The energy flowed correctly and I moved freely, danced wildly, traveled, challenged limits and my body responded in every way. Energy truly is at the base of everything.

November 11, 1997

Good morning mom

What a beautiful day. Maybe we could go for a walk and work in the yard. I would like to be in that energy. Let’s plant the daffodils.

Can we simply lift children out of the patterns of abuse and into light?

Oh, a mother’s heart speaking! <chuckles> Let’s see  what we can do..

November 22, 1997

You know, Mom, the world is so twisted and turned upside down compared to how it could be. Remember how you commanded that the space I was in, the hospital room, be 8th dimensional and abide by the rules of light? Even if there was no where else on the planet where light ruled, in that hospital room it did. That was your command.

 Can you do the same for Carolyn’s Place and for your life? It doesn’t matter if anyone else can duplicate what you do, you must do it!

What about the books, I am really having a hard time writing. I am avoiding the time. Are they important to anyone?

They are very important to me! It gives us time to be together.

 

November 23, 1997

Mom, good work these last three days. I am really proud of you! You realize that now we really get moving don’t you? Your adventuresome daughter is ready to shake, rattle and roll. Yes, it is time to take a break and let the physical assignments flow.

Love ya-C

December 3, 1998

Note: (Awoke with the realization that the language we had developed with Carolyn for communication was not the language that the medical community worked with to test her. They had their own language and if she didn’t respond to it, they assumed that she was not present.

There are some books that I could not read. “Look Up for Yes” is probably one. The walk with Carolyn after the accident is still too close to my heart.)

Mom, finally I get you to myself! I am getting a little impatient. There is only so much I can do to fill up my time until I give you the book. I understand your reluctance even more than you do. It has to do with the future. The results of this and other writings. Just know that all things have been considered and planned for. The money for the house will come together today and tomorrow. You keep focusing on your part of the activities and let those who have committed to help, help in their own way. If you try to “mess around” with the money, the book can’t get written. If you don’t write the book, the rest of the plans are screwed up. The book, books, are every bit as critical as the money and so write.

Dec. 3, 1997

Note: (Carolyn picks up the manuscript and begins reading it to me.)

This is a story of my life, at least the part of my life that may have meaning and value to others. I was on the earth for a very short time by societies standards and was taken much too early by the judgment of those who love me. Myself, I’d have to say that my life could not have been more perfect and the most perfect part was the last few years. By the standards of those around the planet, the quality of my life for the last two years was anything but wonderful. Even by my standards as I was living thorough them they felt at times as absolute hell-but, I look at them and give thanks for the opportunity to walk through the hell, to commit to staying through the difficulty to find the door, the skill, the strength and the help to go to the other side of my pain.

(Mom, you understand that you may need to work over this manuscript.)

Let’s start at this beginning my birth into this lifetime. I had planned that this lifetime would be a first step out of a deep pit of negativity I had created for myself in previous lifetimes. My anger at men, my distrust of the social order way of doing things, distrust, and anger at God for promising and not delivering.

You were right in knowing

Before birth I knew that all of those patterns of anger and judgment would come into form in order for me to see them. What I carried inside as I entered this life was at one end of my path, mix of truth and love with fear and blame patterns. I intended to walk, eliminating the fear and blame, to get to the other end of the path with only love and truth remaining. The question was, could I pull the unwanted patterns from within myself as the days went by and the situations come up. It is like walking on a razor’s edge because the patterns will come in the form of other people and life situations. Would I remember that the situations come from within me? If not, I would get caught up again in a lifetime of great pain, anger, blame and escalate my own inner world of negativity.

So, I began life with a father who abandoned me even as I was born and my life began on schedule.

Note: (Carolyn’s father was killed in a one car accident and was buried the day before her birth.)

 Those who would say, “poor child, no father,” do not understand the participation of everyone to life situations. I wanted the physical validation of “men abandon their families” in order to have the opportunity to see that I carried that seed of belief. Not “poor child” but glorious opportunity and powerful manifestation!

And so my life unfolded and day by day, step by step my negative anger, judgments, beliefs about love, safety, men and life began to pile up. Unfortunately, I began to slip off the razor’s edge into the pit--again. By that I mean that I did not see that I was carrying the pattern of such unwanted situations within myself and in blaming others I did not go within and change the very things-my own perceptions- which I had come here to change. By the time I was thirteen, I had turned off and stuffed my emotions so deeply that I thought they were not there. I had to sleep a lot because it took so much energy to keep myself going. I trusted few people and they kept being untrustworthy. I did well in school-that was one place I allowed myself to be present. If not, I would have just exploded. Probably each person allows one area of relief-church, school, friends. work, alcohol, drugs, food.

And then, my mom began doing healing work. She used her friends and family to try out the new ideas she was being given. I wasn’t necessarily excited about being a human guinea pig, but what the heck. That was my thinking at the time. Every time she worked, I felt lighter for a time. I remember I was okay with being a part of this new world she was opening up and at times I liked it. But, at other times I hated it. The old blame and anger was bubbling more and more to the surface and because of her work, I was no longer able to go to sleep, push it down and live my life as a zombie. More and more I could see the ugliness of the world around me and feel the rage down to my soul. Thank God I had her walking with me on this journey of reluctant healing.

On one hand I was very much the carefree teenager, invincible, all knowing wanting to be everywhere present. But, there was also the fearful teenager wondering if I’d be able to do life well, wanting to be on my own and yet not wanting to leave the nest.

<laugher>

Well, I certainly am surprising you! My book has taken a turn hasn’t it?

Yes, I am anxious to see where we go with this one!

December 4, 1997

Good job Carolyn!

Details may not be important. What I think is critical is that the people in my life, the lacks, the inability of friends to give back the kind of support, listening ear, encouragement I had given them, authorities who were less than kind, to put it mildly - were all about me!

Being passed over for promotion, politics in the workplace were all about my inner system of deeply held beliefs.

But, when I stepped into the relationship with my boyfriend I really began to lose my sense of self, my direction, my ability to walk the razor’s edge into a new life. My emotional baggage needed great sorting and cleaning. This was an area of my being which was like a dark room. There was this immense storage which I had pushed down and used most of my energy to hid away. Therefore, as I let myself begin to “feel’ for someone, the door was opened to that room and a lot of old fears, concepts of love, men, rejection, abandonment, began to tumble to the surface and instead of getting the help and skills to heal my inner world, I got caught in the tumbling mess and felt sweeping away. It was like losing a sense of myself. I lost touch of the small glimmer of my self at the other end of the razor path.

During that time I tried to feel better with pot, dancing, friends, even work, but of course, none of those activities helped because they didn’t change the problem which was within me. By the time I came to Seattle for the family reunion (we had held our reunion in August of 1995), I had decided on a higher consciousness level to flash clean my life and my self.

By that I mean that in my physical body I was consciously saying “Can you help me understand what is causing me so much pain?” And we spent time together making some changes, but you’ll remember that I left your suggestions in your office. Even though you mailed them to me, in my car I carried Aondrea’s card of Michael Parkes’s, Swan Spirit, the picture of a girl flying in the clouds, not the suggestions. In my physical body and mind I did not say,  “I am going to create a massive and sudden change in my life,” but in a part of myself not accessed by the physical mind, I now know that I had. Look at what I carried in my car, a well-worn musical teddy bear that you had given me as a toddler: my anchor to you and the foundation you had laid for me, the Michael Parkes’ card of the young girl in white moving above the clouds: my decision to do whatever it took to find my own wings and the picture of my dad: a man I had never meet, but who represented the pain, rejection and anger of lifetimes around men, love and authorities. And on my closet doors, all the wonderful pictures of the life I was choosing: a collage of men and women showing beauty, grace, uniqueness, calm, love respect and honor. Even I am amazed at the glorious intelligence which flows through us and extends beyond us to help us order our life.

I could have walked on that razor’s edge from the garbage I had accumulated to a life based on the belief, hope and then knowledge that love, respect and peace is what life is about. I could have- it was an option presented because the work you were given. I could have healed deeply enough, quickly enough to enable me as an individual to walk the edge path with knowledge, skills. I could have quickly moved to the other side into union with my divine soul.

But, I only opened to a portion of what you offered. Maybe because you were my mom, maybe because my eyes and ears were still too closed from my inner mechanisms of protection, maybe because of my age-19, and really it was all of that. Would I do it a different way, or suggest that others change their life in a different way? Yes. But, I am glad that I said “yes” to the accident. I would rather have an intense two years opportunity to heal rather than a lifetime of repeating painful situations with small adjustments until maybe at age 40 or 50 I would have made enough changes that I could spend my remaining time in relative peace and happiness. No, thank you!

My way got me back onto the razor’s edge, secured me on that edge, put me in your hands every minute of every day and night, made it impossible for me to fall off into blaming others and also got me from point A with the impacted inner garbage to point B, back to a clear sense and space of self-able to choose. The place you call “grace”. Do I regret? No. I rejoice and give thanks for the opportunity and for the family’s willingness to be right there for me every step of the way. I was able to accomplish so much in the identity you/we call soul. The physical regeneration of my neurological system was not necessary. The soul-my soul- had been regenerated, reawakened, cleaned or freed from baskets, masks and cloaks which had really bound me for lifetimes.

The accident didn’t free me. It was the time to stay in my physical body, restrained with a coma, with you directing my healing that freed me. That my brothers and sisters were so committed to supporting my choice to stay, despite the hardships it created for them, despite the doubts they had as to the wisdom of the choice, despite the pain they endured over my pain is a strong and lasting, visible testament to their refined characters. I give them soul-felt thanks and will ever honor them for their gift.

I love you all. Watch for my energy in color or words or sounds or gifts. I’ll come to you often.

Your loving sis!

C-

Dec. 11, 1997

 Note: (Carolyn meets me on the hill of the Crystal Pyramid. she wraps her arm around me and leads me up the hill. We put on our robes and move down the hall to her chamber/room. She has me close my eyes before I go in. I haven’t seen her completed room before. I feel such pain even with this opportunity.)

You promised, Mom, This book is part of the promise.

Note: This is a description of her room as I saw it:

Birds free to move in and out of a cage, large window overlooking rolling green hills, trees, sky, a golden hue, everything so soft and beautiful, chairs, bed, writing table. Aqua’s, peaches, burgundy, soft throw rugs.

It’s easier to create from energy here.

Do you like it here?

  Needless to say, I really miss my family, my friends, but I am more and more comfortable. I really would like to get on with our book and have some completion on that soon

I guess I am the hold up on that project.

 Yes and no. I don’t think that my siblings realize the importance of their contributions. More time really needs to be given to it. And, I understand the pain, the intensity and the need to distance.

Maybe if I put together what I have and send copies, it would jog the process.

 Let’s give it a try.

I like your room. I’d like to make Carolyn’s Place more like your place here.

Great by me. I’ll help.

 

December 11, 1997

I want to zero in on various parts of my healing.

As a teenager, I was beginning to see more clearly the forms in my life that I felt were quite crazy. I guess that judgment was very common because my friends at school saw their life pretty much the same way, except those who were the majority in my school, who were very brainwashed from birth to think in certain ways without questioning. They were like sheep being herded along never standing back to look at the group mind they were being herded into. Once in a while, one from that group would rebel and question. It was very difficult. It took a lot of courage, but usually they jumped from one extreme camp into another just as extreme. My friends and I wondered at the sanity of the world and walked a more moderate path.

I allowed myself more freedom at school than at home. Because my issues for this lifetime were about relationships and intimacy, I had my biggest teaching forms at home with mother, brothers and any man who came into my life through mom’s dating.

I lost a second father when Dwayne left and no one realized that in the few months you were together, my little heart had reached out to connect, to trust, to love. And the, one day he was gone. It was a devastating experience for me. I was three ready to turn four. At that time I decided to protect myself from loving another man. Of course, the process had begun in other lifetimes and so the situations of my dad and then Dwayne were only the last straws.

From then on, until you did your work with me, I appeared to be present, to be ready to connect, but I was really ready to strike, to hurt, to drive men away. I would eventually strike out at my brothers with hurtful words to cut them down. Resolving this large inner storage of pain would have taken lifetimes. Some thought forms were: relationships that began wonderfully and deteriorated into rejection, abandonment and more pain. Because I carried that storage of experience within myself as memory, patterns, whatever the name, those men and women who could only relate in hurtful ways would come close to me. I was prepared to live a gay lifestyle in the hopes I could experience some loving qualities as I untangled this lifetimes of old storage around men. I had anticipated before birth that it would take me about six lifetimes of gradual change each time. Eventually, I would have cleared enough of the garbage to re-balance to a comfortable masculine/feminine balance.

December 15, 1997

Carolyn, I don’t think that your siblings would be comfortable with deeper sharing of your possibilities, should I soften it?

No, that will not be necessary for them. Let me just tell my story..

Going to my childhood. Remember Lee calling me “pumpkin” or some such name. For him it was a term of endearment for a little girl-me. For me it was full of condescension-representing my picture of men and authorities. My response, even at that young age was biting and cold,

 “My name is Carolyn!”

I was not sharing information, being proud of my name, etc. You get the picture. I was hurling my power to put him in his place-as I thought it should be. He still remembers it too, doesn’t’ he? I heard him recall it at the hospital. <chuckles>

Remember I told you one thing I really liked about myself was my keen mind and ability to zing back at people with a real edge. It, the edge, had softened a lot because of your work. Can you imagine how I would have wounded to the heart and soul if the anger and hatred had remained? I could have dissected like a laser ray. What a lot of wounds and hurts I would have been responsible for and with not a thought as to my contribution to the pain and anger. It would have been years down the road before I would have run into the repercussions of the life I had created and the actions I had taken.

It is very clear in the home in which I now live. I am shown, can see and evaluate what we call life. It’s like I can see my whole life in all of it’s possibilities in just a few twinklings like short movie previews. This was the plan A, here is a slip off the razor’s edge that diverted my path into greater pain. Here is your choice that affected my path by boosting me back to the razor’s edge which was not as narrow, easier to walk. Here’s where I walk easily- here’s where I sit and laugh at the path, here I hit new emotions which spun me off balance, teetering-then I slip off the edge again. Here’s where my fears and embarrassment say, “Don’t ask for help” -although I see more clearly what I’ve done and where I want to be. Oh, here’s the split second decision to create a way to get back on the path and not get off until I was at the other end. The accident did that for me.

Can you imagine a 19 almost 20 year-old committing two years to walking with you twenty four hours a day? Can you imagine encouraging it? But, I was determined to not move forward in my life until I was “healed” inside! And, you know my determination!

Remember when I was just about two, that bitter cold day in October in Provo, Utah? After my nap I wanted to go outside. I was in my T-shirt and diaper. You explained over and over that it was very cold and as soon as you had dressed me warmly, I could go outside.   Right! I would not allow dressing, screamed, demanded until you let me learn from experience. You opened the door to our apartment, told me again it was very cold and let me walk outside screaming the whole way. I marched out and you came out with me. “We can go in as soon as you are ready.” you said.  It took a little while until I admitted to you that warm was better than cold. What you didn’t know then but learned latter-my body was naturally much warmer than most. Even at that, it was a bitter cold day. You were turned into child protective services by our neighbors who thought you were using the cold as a method to punish me.

Oh, I remember. So, Carolyn, what is it like to be out of the physical body and world?

It is rather like living! Really living. You know how it feels to graduate from high school and the restrictions are gone? Well, now I have “graduated” from my own personal shackles of restriction.

Is that true for everyone?

No, not as totally as I feel it. Everyone is born onto the planet with their own personal set of patterns, judgments, guilt, anger, blame, sorrows, etc. which create shackles. As we travel the bends of the road and the different life situations trigger or activate a different set of shackles, sometimes it will be those around the feet, other times it will be those around the waist, the neck, etc. You get the pictures.

When we are young, we, at least most of us, do not feel our own shackles because they are still in frequencies felt as internal tugs, intuitive pictures which we are not taught to understand. If children were taught, they would be able to see their shackle patterns very early and begin healing them. But, as very young babies, we can see the shackles on the adults in our world. We can see the crazy behavior, the limits and restrictions that make no sense. The result is that we are fearful of the world we have come into. We certainly don’t feel that we fit or want to fit. We decide to adapt in order to survive and decide to never be like the adults we see.

Well, presto change, we grow up and the longer we are in a physical body the stronger our own shackles become. We are becoming the very adults we so judged and disliked!

For some the pain is too much. They do not know that there are options and possibilities. Some opt out-what is called suicide. It is good or bad? Well, since nothing is good or bad, it is neither. And there is no general answer to explain every situation. The consequences are what one must consider. Yes, the physical body is left behind. Yet, the patterns are still with the individual on a soul level and must be looked at and dealt with by that soul at some future time in order for the soul to really be free. The physical plane, of necessity, must be included in an individual’s healing. You use the example of each individual has made a mess of their bedroom (by creating situations of negative/fear/conflict in a lifetime) and you then are responsible to clean it up. That was  my coming back into a physical body to address the patterns from those situations and transform them.

When I was “gone” for those three days in June, 1997, and you were told that I was evaluating, what I was looking at was my soul patterns of non-health, i.e., anger, judgment, fear, blame, trauma, etc. There was little, very little left and I made the decision to go back into my physical body, with the plan for one more major “crisis” to get the last piece.

Note: For three days it was clear to me that Carolyn was not present in her body. Her eyes would open, look around and then she would “go back to sleep”. This had happened three times during her accident/recovery period. I had been told that she was in spiritual worlds evaluating and deciding what was still to do.

I didn’t choose to leave this life because the effect of the shackles were too difficult, the body too immobilized, or my life too difficult. I chose because the cause, the patterns of my own inner and outer crippling was gone. I had cleaned up the mess for other lifetimes sufficiently that I was able to leave this particular lifetime in a way very, very few have done, with no baggage. It will seem unreal to some, arrogant to many, but I tell you, it is true. I am infinitely blessed because of your work to be at peace and total choice to unify with that world of Source, return to God or to enter other life experiences.

Those who leave the physical are in a place of love, peace, understanding, but still with responsibilities to evaluate and plan their return to earth to address what still remains within them as shackle energy.

December 17, 1997

Good morning, Carolyn! Let’s chat and write for one hour at least. I see that I write every day, just not always with you.

Well, Mom, it’s good to hear your voice, truly!

Now, on to me and my ramblings...

What was the ”dying” process like for you?           

Once my decision was made in June, 1997, there was a real pull to make the transition. There was a sense of release and freedom just with the decision and a lot of peace. What I had not expected was the difficulty of letting go of friends and family. It was difficult because I could not say with words what I wanted to say. It is not that words are so important but the way we, meaning, humans, make themselves understood is with words, words and more words and I could not do that. My mind was very much intact. I had thoughts, memories, and I could not express them verbally. Thank God you had encouraged me throughout this accident situation to go to my angels, go to the Light world for my answers. If I had tried to figure out what to do with no way to reach fellow humans, I would have been alone with pain, fear, and confusion. As I was forced away from the normal human avenues, I found incredible support, love and understanding in the world that is unseen to the vast majority of humans.

It was with this entourage of spiritual friends and teachers that I consulted in June. We reviewed what I still needed to accomplish, what I had accomplished and from that viewpoint, the decision to leave the physical body was made.

The last kernel of anger and meanness I wanted addressed came up the weekend before I withdrew into a “dying” phrase. Remember?

Oh yes.

What I will always remember is how you tried all that you knew every time a crisis came up and always healed in yourself whatever was being presented, even though it looked like it was me. That week-end you and I were alone. You moved me from bed to chair, from exercise table to chair, from chair to the water pool, and on and on and on, back and forth. And I was demanding, out of sorts, nothing helped. Finally you looked me in the eye and said, “Carolyn, you are being a bitch!”

Pushed to your limit and beyond. It clicked for me. I quieted down. You wrapped me up, put me in bed and then went off by yourself to cry and work on whatever in me was screaming to be healed and whatever in you was there to be healed.

I so love you for showing the way to walk on the razor path and not fall off by blaming the forms.

That was my last piece, thank you. From that moment I was free to let go....and I could have that night, but you were not “taken care of” yet. The home had to open up and be purchased.

Note: After the three days that Carolyn was gone in June of 1997, I was told that she had made the decision to leave. When I asked, “When?” I was told, “As soon as you are taken care of.” I had put my life totally on hold during this journey and was in the process of finding a home to begin building again.

For the next three weeks I was rarely conscious in my physical body. There was no need for a walk-in to support. I spend that time saying good-bye to many people and places. I revisited Bernie, my cats, my Utah friends and Bernie’s family. I saw the truck driver, the accident spot, the hospitals and of course, my family. I lingered with many of them and blessed them for the role they had played for me. I saw their pain, their plans, and their joys. I said my farewells and removed any discordant energies from me which would trip them up. I cannot tell you how blessed I was to be given the opportunity to see with such new eyes and leave behind only love. Not everyone is so blessed-yet. But, it will be the case more and more.

I watched the vigil you, Michelle, Diana kept and the opportunity to love and touch that came from Teresa and Jen. You will never know the bond I have with Alex, the moments we shared, the unconditional love and acceptance she brought into my room. She is an angel child who fills my heart. I loved her notes and pictures and thoughts. No one could have been better prepared than I. No one had better support in walking into the Light than I. To have Diana be so steady, so loving, so knowing as she talked to me of the transition or Michelle, calling me “sweet pea” knowing how I would so like to go dancing with her and get into all kinds of mischief. Yet, willing to love me by letting go.

I often felt Teresa’s pain for me, her pain for her inability to be more involved and I loved her songs, her soft strength. And Jennifer, so quiet and every touch complete somehow, all that she did was efficient, non-invasive, and sure. Professional and loving.

Our little artist, Aondrea had a very difficult time with me as a “vegetable”. It scared her too much to accept that experience as “okay” and she fought it. That made it hard for her to be around me very often. I understood and was also grateful that she demanded more for me than what the accident seemed to give. Tell her that there is no need to feel guilty at all. She gave her love and support in a different way. Little Sara was so supportive as she worked with her mom for me and yet this experience was so strange for her. More necessary for her than she knows.

And Liz-what a difficult time this was for her. We escalated together in order to heal. South Davis Hospital in Bountiful, Utah was an intense experience for her and forced her back onto her own razor’s edge with you.

My brothers and brother in law, what an experience for me to be totally in their hands. They were gentle and caring. They gave me space in different ways from you women energies...less hovering. But, I never felt from them disrespect or neglect. And they certainly never abandoned their responsibility to care for me ...and Noel was so respectful in his interactions with me It is difficult to maintain, of course impossible, to maintain the same type of relating when one person changes as drastically as I did, and yet, everyone in my family including Dave Sekac, changed gears and continued to include me as a person of value.

Dave and I had some precious moments together and his support of you and the family will continue to bring blessings to him well throughout this lifetime. His Christmas card does look very good. It will be so good to see him laughing as his life unfolds. Well, that is all for now. I love you and this time together.

I can see the pillow you laid on while you passed. I can visualize you head, face, hair and closed eyes. I miss touching you.

I know. Soon.

C-

December 22, 1997

Good morning, mom! I feel so free I would say to everyone, don’t sweat the small stuff! Keep loving and holding hands. Whenever you feel “off” of love and freedom, go inside yourself to pull the plug on the pattern. It is being off love and freedom that will cause you to slip off the razor’s edge and into the forms of fear. The forms are there to give you the message that they exist. They are not there to take over your life. Don’t get swallowed up in them.

Gang signs come to mind. Remember how in Odgen and Salt Lake City, the gang signs began to appear. Most people downplayed their importance. A few, Like Rev. Shirley said, “Pay attention. Gangs are here. Start looking inside your communities to see what void allows gangs to be valid for young people.”

No one listened to the voices and in one or two years, gangs and gang related violence had escalated a thousand fold.

The same principle is at play in every individual life! When even a glimmer of fear, anger, jealously, lack, disease appears, go within “your kingdom” and find the void/pattern and remove/ replace, choose differently.

I am very careful here to pay attention to my clues, for they still exist for all in this realm. I can “TAG and Transform” or “Clear” because I have the techniques from you and I am sharing them with others. You were not aware, but I bring many to your lectures and classes! I just sit and smile and laugh that I am so involved in your work. While I was in body, I didn’t doubt, but I certainly held onto my teen mentality of skepticism.

Humans are always at choice although that choice is often called judgment, fear, control, unconsciousness, external, old lifetimes and denial. The more you observe the direct relationship between “thought” and event, the faster you step into saying and acting with responsibility, knowing your role in creating life events.

All the great spiritual mystics we call masters have said the same thing in different words, “As a man thinketh, so is he.”

Some will want to know what my time is like here.

Well, I rest and sleep. I do it more from choice than from need. My body is very light and yet solid. I can move easily like skimming over the ground or I can walk, as I did no earth. I love walking and so I usually walk. Food is also a choice I make. The tastes and smells, textures and flavors are as wonderful as when you have a well-prepared meal on earth. I do take a turn at preparing food occasionally, but not often. I enjoy cooking, but there are other things I would rather do.

I have spent time evaluating my “time line” of experiences. It is rather easy to know of any unresolved energy currents here because I sit with those who can see and help me see the “glitches”. They have been very impressed and excited at what they see in my energy. It is a real confirmation of your work. They are also sending souls to your classes and will help you in organizing a school and expanding your teachings.

I spend a lot of time being clear and quiet here. I sit amongst the “pansies”/flowers, watch the colors of our sky. The colors are rather unique. There are different tones than what you find on earth and a greater spectrum. There are subtle musical sounds everywhere.

 

December 23, 1997

Carolyn, I guess not having enough time to write is another way to stop the unfoldment of my greater good.

Absolutely. Once you have set your priorities, then you meet your blockages. Lack is a major one! Lack of money, love, time, ideas, energy, etc. And lack is only a powerful way to be dis-abled from moving forward.

December 24, 1997

What a different experience this Christmas is for all of us. I am free and “hovering”. Free to visit whom I choose and for however long I choose.

I am rather perky today!

Note:( I had noted her perkiness.)

A lot of excitement here about things/plans/ideas/gifts in general and about this season in particular.

Is Christmas meaningful there?

Not as it pertains to this world, but there is always delight in activities of love and surprise and since it happens more broadly during this season, we “bubble” with enthusiasm.

Note: (A postal gift was delivered with some candy canes from the delivery person.)

First surprise!

I have to fight back tears in order to stop the missing of you and writing.

I love, you mom. And so many here love you too. We are so grateful that you finally got rid of your restrictions about abundance, old thinking, old thinking, old thinking. Now, let’s get on with abundance!

You did a good/great job with Joann ( client) this morning. Your impact is just begun.

Just remember, I will be hovering all day, today and tomorrow. There are surprises yet to come. I will be buying gifts and sending notes to my siblings through you for the next year. They will have to deal with it the best way they can. I am not going away-my stubbornness you know.

Stay close.

Oh I do--it is not me who goes away, it is you who gets very busy and I just watch you go until our next visit.

Do you just wait until I’m ready?

Yes and no. I have plenty to be involved with here and when you are ready, so am I. It’s like someone calls me, your guides, to say,’ “Okay, she’s lighting down, grab her while you can.”

You are not unlike the birds you love. Flying here and there. Spreading beautiful wings that some people glimpse for a moment and some get to be enfolded by.. at least for a time. Here a peck and there a peck. 

 
            Is that a behavior best modified?

Well, that would be a judgment call on my part and not in my area of responsibility. You cover a large territory and that flying may be the way you best do it...at least for now. Teleportation may be a consideration.

This idea coming from my Capricorn daughter?

Well, things change. I really think you had better go now. Let’s set up regular writing times for the book. How about it?
            Yes. Mornings really have been best even though I would often like to think I need sleep.

Is 7:00 am a good hour?

Yes. It will work. I will work with it. Monday through Friday?

Sounds like a good plan. See you later today?

C-

 

Note: 9pm After our family Christmas Eve party How did you like the family party)

Well, I quite liked the active energy, seems everyone is busy, comfortable. I thought it was great the way everyone broke into groups,, conversed, rearranged and on and on.

Notice how Mary saw the pounds I had put on when she looked at the California picture?

It is really noticeable, but more so on a soul and emotional level. I certainly had slipped off the razor edge. If people would just notice when the first “change”, whether that be with depression, weight, loneliness, etc., and stop their actions and forward movement. Stop to discover what the change is telling them about themselves. That I didn’t do. It would be like putting your life on hold until you figured out the root cause of the change and removed it. A pause on the path.

Anyway, I am a little sad tonight, missing all of you. I will be hovering with everyone tonight and tomorrow. I hope my presence helps rather than aggravates. I know it has really helped me to spend time with you. For some over here, “death” has meant instantaneous severing by their physical family....it is extremely difficult.

Please check in with Michelle and soothe her passionate heart. We all miss you and I think she misses you intensely.
            I will. Sleep well. I love you

C-

            Ditto and hugs!

 

Christmas Day, 1997

Note: (I made a phone call to Michelle. Her sadness at the loss of Carolyn echoed the sadness we are all feeling.)
            I’m alive, I’m alive, I’m alive!

Treat this as if I am in a foreign country with only phone or mail access. When you think about me, quiet down and call me! I really need the calls from home, from family. The sadness you all feel will become empty. The calls would enrich both of our lives!

December 26, 1997 7:00 am

Carolyn, here we are on our first day of our 7:00 writings. It wasn’t so bad, even padding around in a cold house finding housecoat and blanket.

Great! Now on with our conversations. What would you like to know?

What would you like to say?

Well, I guess I could use Sara as a beginning point. What would I say to Sara that might help her stay on the razor’s edge? For that is the challenge during the teen years.

First, I would tell her that there is such a critter-a path that is laid out by her and her angels before she was born. I am beginning work on mine for my next incarnation even as we speak.

There is an evaluation period. A time where an individual is shown the pertinent events that were part of his/her life cycles. There is total memory as to circumstances, feelings thoughts, decisions and consequences from those. For all of humankind there are many thousand within each individual. Priorities are set and a group of unresolved patterns are identified which reflect the priorities the individual has set. These patterns are the ones to be addressed and resolved in the next life experience.

What about the idea that all Karma is forgiven or that the photon experience, the Hale-Bopp tail, etc will wipe it out for us?

That is not what I am observing as my experience has unfolded here. Let me check for a moment...

Okay, I am back. Here’s what I am told. Those who would control would do what ever it takes to maintain and escalate fear in all of its forms. Any action or non-action which results in greater individual fear, blame, lack, complacency, denial, not seeing or hearing eliminating an individual’s own message givers will result in greater fear and greater density.

As the earth speeds up her vibrations, a physical body laden with stored fear could “break”, like old bottles. The same is true in the emotional, mental and spiritual bodies. Any outside influence, like the earth’s vibrational shift will impact an individual. If the bodies have already lightened, the vibrations will lift or resonate.

If not, there will appear to be a clash. Awareness of such possibilities are opportunity to get yourself in shape, not by moving to a “safe” place on the planet for the vibrational shift will be felt everywhere. But, by paying strict attention to the messages of fear, blame, less than, better than, duality in all of its forms and fear in all of its forms. Whether the photon belt comes or not, whether the tail sweeps over the earth or no, whether earth quakes happen, new stars appear, darkness come, the most important matter is what condition are you in as you relate to love? Are you experiencing the fruits of the spirit daily, hourly, constantly? If not, do your work. Get yourself into shape vibrationally. If you don’t know how, ask for help. Express your needs and go after skills, memories, angels to get you back onto you own razor path.

That’s what they tell me here. Now, back to Sara.

Usually, as children we see very clearly behavior and situations which feel out of whack. I will address that with Alex as a touch point later.

Now, Sara, age 12, middle school, preteen/teen. As I talk, I am not describing Sara but generally addressing the growth and awareness cycle most will be in and go through.

There is a lot of fear, judgment, excitement, vulnerability, pain, etc. during this time. Chemical changes, expectations, maturing, idealism, inadequacy, powerlessness, emotions awakening, ability to move independent of parents. All of these new experiences result in swings from grandeur into powerlessness, elation into depression, all-knowing into worthlessness. Some swings are more extreme, some start earlier, some last longer. They come from a struggle to find their place, identity, a comforting place. The comforting place is the razor’s edge. It is an inside place, a place where you know who you are, know your value, know your goals, feel what you love, sense an inner peace and okayness about your life, your actions, and your self.

Most teens have never been told about this way of being connected-shame on our society with all of it’s claims about valuing children! How can it (society) claims to value children when all of its actions dis-empower, ignore the pain of it’s children and then blame them for acting out from that pain, having given them no skills or support or understanding about pain.

I get upset just thinking about it. Remember when you and I were flabbergasted when a President of the United States came into Utah and praised the school officials for the great job that they were doing? I knew what the school system was doing to me and my friends. Turning kid’s minds off, dis-empowering them. Then you said that we ought to listen to what the President was saying. He was saying that the Utah schools were the best, were accomplishing what was desired-they were turning kids off! We had just assumed another goal!

Well, look at the statement, “we value our children”. What we see is not more insight, not encouragement to greatness, not empowerment to enable masses of creative, powerful individuals, but to have a massive work force who stay in unhappy places because of fear...fear of lack, fear of losing a job. The truth is that happiness, abundance, joy, love is found on the razor path, the path which reflects your heart and soul.

Going along with a blind group that says, “All is well, Jesus did it for us,” while their hearts and families are in conflict and pain is a pretend life. They have fallen off their razor path into the pain of their inner creations. Maybe no one has told them there is a path of their heart or encouraged them to get back on it. The little children see, hear and sense with clear eyes, ears and heart for a time. They know it is a pretend life and wonder about the craziness. They often want off of the planet and by the time they turn 12 and 13, they also begin to slip into the pain of their inner patterns. They struggle, scream, call out and if no one comes to them with understanding, love and tools, they become dis empowered, blind and deaf adults who repeat their parent’s pretend life.

Now, back to Sara. This is a good age for her to review her life up until now. Write down the memories. What was “good” and “bad”. Set priorities for her school life until graduation...her knowledge, exploring options-this is very important and cannot fully be done or even partially done, at school. Define the type of friend relationships, qualities she wants in friends, respect she will give and receive, spiritual explorations, talents, etc. Of course, use all of the TAG processes during this time.

Then use the model of the river of all potential to explain her part in what comes into her life. Self-responsibility is critical at all ages, but especially now. Life always says yes, is a powerful reminder. The cookie cutter story, also.

The next thing to share is my model of the razor’s edge path. How life is for happiness and love, but for eons we created “alligators in our swamps”. The alligators happen, snap below and around us on our path.

We have options: 1. We can recognize that we put them in the swamp and that we created the swamp and use TAG tools along with other expansive processes to go deeply enough to drain the swamp, remove the “gators and then level the ground to reflect only our razor path of desire or 2. We can be afraid of the swamp, angry at the swamps, alligator and fall off into the mire trying to fight them-only to get stuck, muddy and angry.

For those who do not want to get caught in the second, look at the list of your “bads”- the “not okays” and “TAG and Transform” them. Make commitment to “TAG and Transform” every “alligator” that comes up during the day. If it feels like a big “alligator”, write a reality statement and do a shift for it.

The teen years are for exploring a lot of different positive forms in order to find the ones which expand your heart and give you a sense of value and love. Too many kids are not being taught that and are falling into the pain of their swamp. They then explore things to deaden the pain: drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, sex none of which will lead them to their soul love and true excitement.

Lets’ write a simple book for teens and preteens with these very concepts.

Okay. Should we do it sooner or later than the bigger book of your accident?

Why not at the same time?

Okay.

Well, your birds are calling to be feed. Go do that and maybe we can write more later.

C-

December 29, 1997

Good morning, love! Yesterday was a wonderful day for energy healing! I can see where this work is so needed in a person’s life and for this planet. Also, a school format, now tell me about what you have been up to.

Well, Joseph has been in my charge since Uncle Ron called.

Note: (This is a young man who had gone into a coma after a construction accident. I did some long distance healing work on him and called Carolyn in for her help. His intention was not to die.)

He is being taught and reminded in various meetings here. He is excited about the plans he is being shown and grateful for his “accident” as I am grateful for mine. There will be things to do to assist his physical body, but right now the focus is on just keeping it stable and cared for. His wife is doing an excellent job of that. Uncle Ron will play an important role as Joseph comes back. There is nothing that in unprepared, however. Everyone and everything is in perfect order and ready when the time comes.

Now I want to talk about me.  I have been wandering about this wonderful structure, your crystal pyramid. Why don’t you consciously spend more time here?

Good question. I had shut off what I am, what I have been taught with the excuse/creation “I have no time because I have to busy generating money.” I have pulled the plug on that creation. I guess now it is about discipline and choice.

Yes, and I guess now you can be here more often doing research to retrieve and reintroduce all that you know.

Yes.

Good. Now on to the next order of business. The book...

Let’s go through my dying process. The three weeks I “waited” when I was mainly out of my body, went as quickly as turning around three times and you’re “it” like in a children’s game. I felt no pain or discomfort from my physical body. It was such a magnificent body and responded instantly and perfectly to my choices. When I decided that now was the time to go, it slowly stopped it’s functioning. I came back maybe six times to check the situation within the body and to see through my eyes. But most of the time I was in the world of Light or “hovering” around those I loved and who had loved me. I could walk in both worlds because the energy that kept me in the physical body was still in tact.

The Thursday before I left, you remember, I knew it was time to begin the release and I was anxious. You sensed the shift. My breathing rattled and was a bit labored. And you stayed home and told my sisters what you felt. They all gathered around me and in their unique ways touched, talked and were with me. It was so comforting to have them there.

You stood at my feet and tuned into what I most needed from you. I knew that I needed to disconnect from the earth star chakra energy and did not want to do that alone.

When you asked what I wanted you to do, I asked if you would disconnect the earth star energy and simply hold it for a moment. As I felt safe and comfortable, I had you move the energy to the base chakra. Here the focus was on being safe and comfortable walking on the physical planet. I knew I could do that. The question now was, “Can I be comfortable walking in the world of Light?”

You held my energy connection at that point until I felt ready to say, “Yes” and then you moved the energy to the creative chakra and waited. Again, I could take my time to re-examine the physical opportunities to create and the opportunities in the world of Light. When I was ready to let go of the physical, I asked you to move the energy up to the solar plexus chakra.

This chakra was not so difficult. Knowing how the power I Was could be applied in either world, I had to make a choice. I felt I could do more if I were free of the immobilized body. Being in the world of Light would give me a wider array of opportunities during this time of change. It would have taken three or four more years to restore my body as I would have wanted. But, everything on the planet is so speeded up and I wanted to be a part of this new world. That meant using my power from the spiritual plane to teach and reach. I had you move the energy up to the heart.

This was a harder decision. There was so much love I felt for my friends and family and the planet. It was where I had the most recent heart connections. I knew that the world of Light offered bundles of love, but my heart tugs were on the earth. You felt my tears and inner struggle-even as now while you write this, I feel yours.

Then, I was ready and we moved the energy to the throat. There was only a little hesitation. Communication was nearly impossible in my physical body and I had you move the energy to the third eye. Here I had you leave it. Now, I could still traverse the two worlds and yet when I was ready, I would not have to move the energy alone.

Some/most people do not disconnect consciously. The less conscious/clear, the less options there seem to be. Your work and direction of my healing had opened up a myriad amount of possibilities and I choose how I wanted my “death” to unfold...even being home, no mortuary, with my family caring for me and with my body until I could release my responsibility to it.

When all of you gathered to say your good byes, you placed gifts around my body, quietly and individually talked to me and when it was time, you all wrapped my body in a beautiful blue sheet and said your final good byes. I want all of you to know that I was there to place my blessing on what had been my physical home for 22 years. I was there with all of you as the body was taken to be cremated. The care and honor I owed to it was complete and I stayed with all of you as the body left to complete it’s journey. I thank you for cremating. Such a release with honor and don’t let any one in physical tell you any differently.

So did you go with the body at all?

No, but there were friends from spirit who did accompany it through its journey to release. No one and no thing is ever alone or separated from another.

December 30, 1997

Surprises today!

I accept and so be it

What I would like to say today is about other books. A book for Alex, Alyssa, the new baby, (Anais), Sara, parents.

We all come into this lifetime with things to accomplish, some say lessons to learn. The first lessons are that we have spiritual friends, we’ll call angels, who come with us. Each baby sees them and they take forms depending on the situation and need.

Babies can be encouraged in this spiritual realm to see them, to talk about them and to remember their presence. Parents and adults can encourage by asking about the interactions, the words, the play, the ideas. In addition to the knowledge held within each baby, the world of the unseen is where the guidance for the individual’s life exists. The sooner the contact is made and skills given, the sooner the child can walk with purpose.

Parents give skills for navigating the physical: walking, talking, appropriate dress and behavior. Connection to the rich information and guidance that the life pattern and unseen is what the angels bring to our lives. This is critical for a walk of spiritual, mental, emotional and physical maturity.

Carolyn than dictates several books for babies.

December 30, 1997

A few words for Janet 

Note: (This is a client I have worked with who has serious health concerns. Janet is not her real name.)

Do not be discouraged. There is purpose in these last seven years and you have found it. Continue to talk to James (the name of her guiding angel) and me and the angels for advise and direction. We are here to see you through this phase into the next. Your choice is all important.

Know and remember, you are loved.

Carolyn

For Charles (The husband of Janet. Again a fictitious name.)

If Janet can learn and heal to 60 % of wholeness, should we not give her very opportunity? If your son wanted to be a concert pianist and you knew he was good, but only to 60% of what is required to be an excellent concert pianist, would you withhold lessons or support or encouragement?

Note: (This came in response to those family members who have given up hope that total health can be achieved. Her message seemed to be that there is value in the development that occurs through the fight back to health.)

December 31, 1997

Miracles, mom. That’s what this life is all about

January 2, 1998

What was going on for me while my body was in a coma?

At first, the coma was a blessing. The consciousness, as least my consciousness, could not have dealt with the instantaneous change or immense pain I would have felt. I first thought of you and the worry/concern you would feel. I was so glad that you were able to turn to me and spirit right away to hear my voice. It also assured me.

I heard the medical team, the doctor’s and nurses and their dire predictions. That is not what I wanted and my “fuck you” attitude needed an advocate. It isn’t that the accident was to show the medical community/authorities that they didn’t have all the answers, but I knew I would need a physical advocate...ta, dah: that was you. The information I gave you, “Don’t worry. I’m coming back. Don’t let go of my body”, was critical. I needed that choice held by a person whose mind and heart could hold it in clarity. The physical body set-up is so very powerful and mine was under the influence of trauma, confusion, and drugs as a result of the accident. I cannot tell you how important that physical piece is. Most people pray as if those in spirit will make the decision when it is those in physical who decide and then the prayer is to bring the power and knowledge of spirit to help accomplish the task.

You made it possible for me to take a walk in the clouds. What about that as a title; My Walk In the Clouds.

Note: Reminds me of the card that Carolyn had in her car. The painting by Michael Parkes.

The path I had chosen was definitely harder than I had though it would be. As I have said before, I was rarely in my body during those early weeks. For some, it will seem strange when I say that. Let me explain.

The physical body can do just fine if the consciousness of it’s inhabitant focuses into other worlds, worlds of light for example. Near death is similar, the energy cord that allows the body to continue living is not released. The same energy cord will allow the consciousness to return to the body.

That seeming coming and going is a process to master in and of its self.

Because of the serious condition of my body, it was best to have those out of body or other souls or consciousness who were strong to be within the body. This helped in two ways, well, three.

First, it gave me the time to be in the world of Light to evaluate, to calm, to plan, etc. a break from the pain of my life and of the accident.

Second, it provided many in spirit the chance to have completion, learn and heal.

Third, their strength gave my body strength in all of its energy fields.

Because of the boundaries you put in place for me, which reiterated my own wish that only those souls who were of Light, committed to the Christed walk, with total integrity to my greater good and who would not desire a life as a vegetative human were allowed. That setting of boundaries is critical in all situations, but even more so when one is as vulnerable as I was.

And so I walked in two worlds. I did not totally escape the pain, oh no! The pain, trauma, fear, however, were part of the soul healing process for me. In other words, necessary.

My body responded perfectly to my intent. It ordered and prioritized. The seven days and nights that you as a family spent with your teams of working healers, was so beneficial and needed. It is a model you may want to use as a part of your school. Few, very few, have ever had the blessing of such knowledge, power, love and focus. And that you were all asking me first was so honoring and incredible. Your own doubts and fears were put aside for what you were hearing from me. You have known for years and years that being able to listen to spirit would be critical in future days and that practicing when there was no crisis would serve you. Then, when there was stress, you would be prepared. You didn’t know that it would be for my situation.

How true!

And so, back to the story. My body healed each part of itself beginning with those parts which are most critical: heart, kidneys, the lungs I kept weakened in order to exit if the situation could not give me what I needed or if I could not take any more.

A couple of times, maybe three or four, I wondered if I could go on. Could I endure the pain, the fear, the unknown. You were so good about backing into a neutral place to allow me space. You knew that your continued push could keep me here and yet loved me enough to honor my need for space to be free to leave if I chose.

I want to say something about the souls being in and out of my body. Families can feel when their loved one is not in the physical body. There is more of a detached feeling because their loved one’s soul is away for a time. It could be misinterpreted to mean that the loved one is gone or wants to be gone.

It is usually harder during those times for the family members to pray (or whatever the words would be) for the recovery and health of the sick or injured. Those requests are always needed. Don’t be afraid or assume loss. Set boundaries for only moral, Christ-like individuals and then ask angels to be present.

A family’s desire will go only so far if it is contrary to the decision of their injured loved one. Never be afraid to call for all the help of heaven in behalf of and in accordance with the highest love for your member.

Another thought. There are so many knowledgeable healers in our world. Do not be afraid to open your minds and hearts to new philosophies. Sometimes accidents, sickness, drastic change comes to open you, not to shut you down. Don’t let fear keep you in your old thinking and behaving patterns or you defeat the blessing being offered!

That’s all for today. Let’s fly together

C-

January 5, 1997

Note: (I am in Salt Lake City, Utah watching the snowfall past my bedroom window. It is moments like this that bring the tears of remembering and the sharpness of loss.)    

Carolyn, how do you like this snow?

Takes you back to the McKay Dee Hospital doesn’t it?

Oh, yes.

Different time, different place. I was getting ready for what I needed to do and you were getting readied for what you were here to do.

People are very concerned about death and dying, illness, pain, disease. I have some insights and information to share about many of life’s ills.

Love you. I’m going to go out in the snow.

Soon,

C-

 

January 16, 1998

Now I have two birthdays: January 16th and July 20th. Truly these two days gave birth to divine experience for me. I’m glad that Teresa is getting everyone together and celebrating my existence. I know that my memory will fade with time.

I wish that were not true and yet I know it is. Let’s finish the first draft of your book today and get it bound as a present to the family.

OKAY!

 
                                                   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 

January 16, 2015

Note: Can it really be 18 years since Carolyn's passing? As I remember her on would have been her 40th birthday, I decided to revisit these writings. Over the years I am several of her sisters have “heard” her voice and listened to her council. We miss touch and smile of her physical body and yet we have felt her presence so often over the years.

There was once piece of information that I had gotten from her that i thought was in this journal and yet it was not. So, I asked her to go over it again. I felt that it was a very important awareness for those of us her that have felt left behind when loved ones leave.

So here it is.

 

Carolyn, you know what information I am thinking about?

Yes, I know what you mean.

What I have seen since moving to this side of life is the disconnect between the words spoken by many while in their physical body and the actions when faced with the death, leaving of the body, by a loved one.

Many profess a belief and even certainty that life continues beyond the physical life and yet are not prepared or skilled to continue the relationship with those they love who “pass on”.

Communication on Earth requires a way to tactually send and receive information. For most that is a physical body with a mouth causing vibrational waves that are picked up by the human ear or seen by the eyes. With no physical components, they are lost.

Those on this side use the abilities they have to impact energy and send messages. With loved ones without the ability to receive, they are also frustrated and saddened. Both are left feeling a profound loss and emptiness.

Those on this side soon discover that even when they are able to be in the presence of someone they love, their energy triggers a recognition by the other that is not understood. If the other is open to truly learning to communicate, the doors are there for support and skills building.

Often, however, throne on the planet senses the presence but only as a painful thought, a memory, an awareness of the loss and without the concept that, “My loved one is here and we can communicate and find comfort”, they are left in a response of sorrow and emptiness.

Those on this side soon become aware that their efforts to stay connected causes pain. Consequently, they move away.

I am just grateful that many in my family have been up for conversations. The value, respect and love has lightened my walk here.

 

18 years!

Yes, and it seems like yesterday. I am still filled with so many wonderful, loving memories of my family’s core of me. It was like being the baby girl again with the need for total care… such love and even laughter in a time of pain.

I would warn….

It is important to have some basic skills when a person decides to keep the relationship between worlds in tact.

First, require that there be gatekeepers whose qualities are defined such as, honorable, highest integrity to truth, love and strength for family, wisdom and insight.

Then, the awareness to ask that the space for the conversations be protected as you did for me during my hospital and recovery journey and as you do for your work with clients.

Then, reviewing the information and the feeling nature of the experience. Does it encourage Good, love and generosity?

There are many available to help those who want to develop their ability to communicate with those in the unseen worlds of Spirit.

 

I love you! And there are still projects for us to consider…. (smile)

C-